Alchemizing Shame, Guilt & Porn Addiction

Have you ever felt shame around your sexuality, especially when it comes to self-pleasure? Many of us were raised in purity culture, where sex and sexuality were labeled as “bad” or “sinful,” creating a deep association between pleasure, guilt, and shame. Today we are unpacking why it can be okay to use external tools (like fantasy) for arousal, how to stay present in your body during self-pleasure, and how to gradually cultivate self-acceptance, allowing pleasure to become a source of empowerment and connection rather than guilt. I also offer resources for those seeking conscious, ethical porn options, plus actionable steps to help anyone struggling with shame around their sexuality.

Pornography Addiction: Finding Balance and Choosing Ethical Sources

For some, pornography serves as an initial exploration of sexuality - a way to learn, get turned on, and find pleasure. But as with any form of stimulation, reliance on it can grow over time, sometimes turning into an unwanted habit. Like many, Layla found herself reaching for porn when she was stressed or in need of a quick fix to relax. As a result, it began to feel like an addiction that took her further from her body and pleasure. She often felt guilty and disconnected afterward, realizing that while it might provide short-term relief, it wasn’t bringing her the deeper, fulfilling connection she craved.

A gentle, supportive approach to working through pornography reliance is not to demonize it but to balance it with intentional choices. For those who want to engage with porn, I recommend exploring ethical and conscious sources like Erika Lust’s Lust Cinema. They produce female-focused, ethically-made porn that respects both its viewers and the people on screen. Rather than rushed, objectified scenes, Lust Cinema offers story-driven, consensual, and sensual portrayals of sex. Watching this type of porn can add an entirely different dimension, letting viewers feel good about what they’re watching and allowing them to engage mindfully rather than as an escape! I also want to remind you that porn and other fantasies are not necessarily bad, it just depends on what you desire in your life.

Self-Pleasure: Owning Our Desires and Experiences

Self-pleasure is one of the most personal and empowering ways to explore the body and experience intimacy, but it’s often overshadowed by shame, especially when mixed with early messages that said touching ourselves was “wrong.” Layla struggled with this, having grown up in a culture that left her feeling her body was off-limits, even to herself. But self-pleasure is natural and healthy—an opportunity to ground ourselves and cultivate self-acceptance.

As I supported Layla in this journey, I recommended that she begin practicing self-pleasure as a form of body-based self-care rather than a quick release. Throughout this episode she learned to be gentle with herself, focusing on sensation and breath. Taking time to explore without rushing helped her reconnect with her body in a nourishing way.

For anyone who wants to start a more mindful self-pleasure practice, try seeing your body as a partner. If a partner were touching you, they’d check in, go slowly, and let the experience unfold. We can treat ourselves with that same curiosity, attention, and kindness, helping us build a relationship with self-pleasure that feels loving and aligned.

Purity Culture: Healing from the Conditioning that Shames Our Sexuality

Many of us grew up in cultures or households that equated a woman’s worth with her “purity.” These messages create powerful narratives that can linger in our subconscious, making us feel that our natural desires are somehow wrong or shameful. In Layla’s case, she grew up absorbing messages that women’s sexuality should be hidden, restrained, and reserved for specific contexts, leaving her feeling unworthy of exploring her own needs.

Overcoming purity culture requires self-compassion and the understanding that these beliefs were not truly ours to begin with. We can start by acknowledging the origins of these beliefs - understanding they come from societal control rather than any inherent truth. Sexuality and purity are not opposites; rather, our sexual energy is a vital, life-giving part of our humanity. The more Layla understood this, the more empowered she felt to explore her sexuality from a place of innocence, creativity, and choice, rather than a place of shame.

Shame & Guilt in Sexuality: Sitting with It to Transform It

Shame and guilt can feel overwhelming, and it’s easy to want to push them aside. But the more we run from these emotions, the more they take hold. Layla learned that the path to freedom from shame and guilt was to sit with these feelings, letting them rise and pass through her without judgment. At first, the discomfort seemed unbearable, but by breathing and being present with what was arising in her body, she began to notice that the shame dissipated.

If guilt or shame comes up in your own self-pleasure practice, try pausing to locate it in your body. Does it sit in your chest, your stomach, or somewhere else? Allow yourself to be present with that feeling, breathing into it, without judgment. This practice can be as simple as feeling a weight in your chest, a knot in your stomach, or an anxious flutter - and just letting it be there. Gradually, as we process these emotions, they lose their hold on us, creating space for self-love.

Embracing Self-Love and Sexual Freedom

This journey of release and healing isn’t about perfection. There will be days of ease and days of struggle, but each small step toward self-acceptance is powerful. You don’t need to be fully “healed” to experience pleasure, self-love, and freedom in your sexuality. Each time you let yourself feel without judgment, you break another link in the chain that society has placed around our bodies and our pleasure.

So take a moment today to honor yourself, your desires, and the beauty of your body. You are worthy of pleasure, worthy of self-acceptance, and fully capable of rewriting the story you carry around your sexuality.