What To Do if Sex Doesn’t Feel Good

Have you ever found yourself struggling to enjoy sex? Even though this can feel isolating, you are not alone. So many women and Pussy having individuals face painful sex, low libido, and difficulty in orgasm. Today I am giving you insight into potential causes of this discomfort or dissatisfaction - ranging from emotional blockages to physical issues. I also share six transformative tools that will help you to heal, improve, and revolutionize your sexual experiences. Although sexuality is complicated and it is not our fault that sex doesn’t feel good - it is ultimately our responsibility to reclaim pleasure and intimacy in our sex lives. As a reminder, you do not have to do this alone so please reach out for support as you navigate these issues.

4 Reasons Why Sex Might Not Feel Good

Let’s dive into 4 reasons why sex might not be feeling good for you. These can be varied and deeply personal, but understanding them is the first step toward reclaiming your pleasure. So, let’s break down some of the core reasons that might be at play.

1. Holding Trauma in the Body

One of the biggest reasons why sex might not feel good is trauma – whether it’s acute trauma like sexual assault or abuse, or more subtle, accumulated trauma. This trauma can be stored in our bodies and it profoundly affects our ability to feel pleasure. We also carry trauma in our collective consciousness & generational trauma that has been passed down through generations. This is embedded in our DNA especially from the 5,000 years of patriarchy that has violently repressed and oppressed women and Pussy-having humans.

Even life events that aren’t directly related to sexuality, like giving birth, can create trauma that impacts your sexual pleasure. Even if you do not have tearing from a vaginal birth, birthing a small human is inherently trauma to your Pussy. If she is not properly cared for afterward, this can stay with us and affect our sexual desire. Now, I know this might sound heavy and that you need to wade through all of the yuck of your trauma in order to feel good – but here’s the reframe:

 

While yes, trauma can feel heavy to work through, it also represents places inside of us that hold immense power waiting to be liberated.

 

When we are willing to face, love, and heal these parts of ourselves, we unlock personal empowerment and access to our authentic selves – and that’s where truly good sex begins. The way that I teach, hold, and support my clients and students through trauma is by using tools and methodologies that are very gentle on the nervous system. These tools don’t require us to go back, revisit stories, and get retraumatized. We do it in a way that is beautiful, loving, compassionate, and dare I even say pleasurable.  

2. Conditioning and Programming

Another major reason why sex might not feel good is due to the conditioning and programming we’ve all received throughout our lives from:

• Society
• Religion
• Family 

This all starts from the moment we’re born until age seven (and even continues into our 20s). Our brains are like sponges, absorbing everything around us. Even if it isn’t directly happening to us, our subconscious creates the conditioning and programming around our sexuality and pleasure.

Think about it: how often do we skip over the genitals when we talk to children about their bodies? “Oh, look at your cute little eyes, your sweet little hands,” but we rarely say, “What a cute little Pussy or penis!” This omission sends a subconscious message that these parts of our bodies are something to be ashamed of or to hide.

As we grow older, this conditioning is reinforced by society, religion, and culture. We’re taught that our sexuality is dangerous, sinful, and something to be hidden away. We’re told to dim our light, to not be fully in our bodies or our pleasure. All of this creates a deep, subconscious programming that affects how we experience sex – and it often leads to sex not feeling good.

3. Lack of Understanding About Female Anatomy and Arousal

A third reason why sex might not feel good is simply not understanding our own anatomy and how to get turned on. Let’s face it, we live in a world where the male paradigm of sexuality is the norm, but a Pussy is not a penis. We don’t get turned on in the same way, and yet, most of us haven’t been taught how to really understand our own bodies. Even though this is not our fault, it is our responsibility to do something about it. 

Female sexual anatomy has also been omitted from medical textbooks for the last 100 years. For example, the clitoris is not just a little button – it’s a whole structure with a shaft and legs that extend down under the labia. So, to get turned on, you can start by stimulating your labia to build that arousal. if sex isn’t feeling good, it’s often because we’re not turned on enough before we move to penetration.

In the movies and TV shows, we see couples kiss for a second, go straight to penetration, and suddenly she’s having an orgasm. But real life isn’t like that for most of us. We need more lead-up, more arousal, and more understanding of how our bodies work before penetration. Your Pussy should be begging for penetration before anything enters her.  If you’re having penetrative sex before you’re fully turned on, it’s not going to feel good. 

I highly recommend the book “Women's Anatomy of Arousal: Secret Maps to Buried Pleasure” to help you on this path!

4. Being Disconnected from Your Body

Lastly, the trauma, conditioning, and past experiences of sex not feeling good can lead us to disconnect from our bodies and have sex from a space of being in our heads. Instead of being present with the sensations in our body, we’re caught up in thoughts like, “Why isn’t this feeling good? Do I look okay? Am I taking too long?” Even though our brain is the largest erogenous zone, we are often not using it to think about our current pleasure or experience.

When we’re stuck in our heads, it’s nearly impossible to access the pleasure that’s available to us. Pleasure is something we experience in our bodies, and if we’re not present in our bodies, we’re going to miss out on it. To truly process trauma, shift conditioning, and open up to pleasure, we must be fully present in our bodies.

Although talking about these issues in therapy can be helpful for awareness, it isn’t enough to process trauma or shift deeply ingrained conditioning. It’s through somatic, body-based practices that we can truly heal and integrate, opening up to the pleasure we desire.

Why Don’t I Enjoy Sex Anymore?

So, let’s talk about why sex might have felt amazing in the past, but now it’s just not doing it for you. Especially in long-term relationships, it’s easy to believe the narrative that desire naturally fizzles out and pleasure just fades over time. We see it in the world around us and we’re told it’s just what happens. This does not have to be your truth and what is actually happening is that your subconscious is trying to get your attention. It’s bringing up old blocks, conditioning, and trauma that need to be looked at, healed, and integrated.

When you’re in a safe, loving relationship, it becomes the perfect container for your subconscious to say, “Hey, let’s work through this stuff now.” So if sex isn’t feeling good anymore, it’s not that you’ve lost your desire or that you’re no longer attracted to your partner. It’s more likely that your body and mind are inviting you to go deeper, to heal and clear out whatever is standing in the way of your pleasure. This isn’t a sign to give up – it’s an invitation to dive deeper into your own sexuality and reclaim the pleasure that’s always been yours.

This realization was a huge part of my own journey. After the birth of my third child, I went through a long period where sex was painful, and I dealt with a low libido. But I came to see that the pain and lack of pleasure were actually signals, guiding me to do the deeper work of healing and reclaiming my sexual power. And let me tell you, taking that journey was the best decision I could have made. It opened up a new world of pleasure, connection, and empowerment that I never knew was possible. So if you’re in that place where sex doesn’t feel good anymore, see it as an opportunity,

Your body is speaking to you, and it’s time to listen.

6 Steps + Tools to Experience Better Sex

Here are six powerful steps you can take to start making sex feel better and more pleasurable. These practices are deeply rooted in my own journey of healing and pleasure and they’ve been transformative for my clients and students as well.

1. Give Your Pussy Hands-On Care

One of the first and most important steps is to give your Pussy some loving, hands-on care through a practice called Pussy massage (also known as a yoni massage or pelvic floor massage). This practice does wonders not only physically but also emotionally and energetically. By using your own hands to care for your Pussy, you’re demonstrating love and care, which creates a sense of safety – a crucial foundation for truly pleasurable sex. When sex doesn’t feel good, I can absolutely guarantee that here’s an underlying lack of safety. So addressing that by tending to your Pussy can be incredibly healing.

On a physical level, a Pussy massage helps release tension stored in the muscles of the pelvic floor. Just like any other muscle in your body, Pussy can hold tension from: 

• Repressed emotions
• Unprocessed trauma
• Stress
• The physical impact of childbirth. 

When these muscles are tense, they can cause pain during sex. An extreme example is a condition like vaginismus, where penetration becomes excruciatingly painful. Regular Pussy massages can help relax these muscles, releasing the tension and pain, and in turn, bring more sensation and pleasure to your pussy.

How to Give Yourself a Pussy Massage

I highly recommend the book “Wild Feminine” to learn more about Pussy massage. This is something I teach in-depth in my signature program The School of Pussy Centered Living but I wanted to share a practice that you could use today.

To start a Pussy massage, use a body-friendly oil or lube (never touch Pussy with a dry hand), and take the time to ask your Pussy for permission before you begin. If you hear or feel a yes, you can start but if it feels more like a maybe or no, I would just give her some love and honor that no. This creates the foundation of safety. We do have to discern if we are just feeling resistance though. Keep practicing and asking her or you can reach out for support from a trauma-informed sex, love and relationship coach like myself. 

1. As you start, let's say you are using your right hand, move your fingers over to the right side of your pelvic wall. You can gently but firmly press in and hold a point like you are releasing a pressure point. This can be done lying down, standing up with your leg propped up, or even in the shower. 
2. As you massage the vaginal walls, pay extra attention to areas of tension or pain.
3. You can then move to the left side and do the same thing. 

If you’re not ready to give your own Pussy this care or feel you need additional support, you might consider seeing a pelvic floor physical therapist who offers internal massage. Working with a professional can be incredibly powerful, but I highly recommend trying the massage yourself as it builds a deeply personal and caring connection with your body. This connection is a beautiful foundation for experiencing truly pleasurable and fulfilling sex.

2. No Penetration Until Pussy Wants It

Let’s get really clear about this: no penetration until Pussy wants it – until she’s literally begging for it. Whether you’re with a partner or indulging in self-pleasure, you should never put anything inside until your Pussy is a resounding yes. Penetration before full arousal can lead to discomfort or pain, which is why it’s crucial to tune into your body and ensure she’s ready. A great way to support this is through a dedicated self-pleasure practice that helps you intimately know your turn-ons and what feels good.

When I say self-pleasure practice, I’m talking about creating a regular ritual where you explore your own body and pleasure without the pressure of achieving an orgasm. This practice isn’t just about physical sensation, it’s about:

• Connecting deeply with yourself
• Understanding what your Pussy likes
• Getting familiar with what truly arouses you

By making self-pleasure a regular practice, even if it’s just for a few minutes at a time, you’ll develop a much clearer sense of what feels good, and this knowledge is invaluable when it comes to partnered sex. To make this practice sustainable, follow these steps:

1. Set a devotional time for it, adding it into your calendar and including how often (once a week? twice a week? everyday?)
2. Create a container around it. This could be a set time, like 10 or 20 minutes, or even a playlist that helps set the mood.
3. Stay consistent even when resistance comes up! The key is allowing yourself to fully immerse in the experience without any pressure. The goal is not orgasm, but rather connection with yourself and your body, exploring what feels pleasurable and what doesn’t. 
   
   

By dedicating this time to yourself, you’re not only discovering what turns you on but also building a caring and loving relationship with your Pussy. This relationship is the foundation for sex that feels deeply satisfying and pleasurable. So remember, no penetration until your Pussy is ready and eager, and support yourself in getting to that place by regularly engaging in a self-pleasure practice that prioritizes exploration, connection, and love.

3. Create Safety by Listening to Your Pussy

Creating safety by listening to your Pussy is absolutely crucial. This means tuning in to not only what she wants but also what she doesn’t want. It ties back to the idea that there should be no penetration until your Pussy is fully ready and giving a clear yes. If she’s a no, it’s essential to honor that. This can be challenging, especially if you have a male partner who desires to receive their pleasure through penetration, but you can still have a beautiful and intimate time without penetration. If Pussy is saying no you can give always your partner oral sex or a handjob. 

By saying no to what doesn’t feel good and yes to what does, you’re cultivating a deep trust and safety within yourself. This is where a self-pleasure practice can be incredibly helpful. It allows you to get to know:

• Your body
• Your turn-ons
• Your boundaries

Which in turn makes it easier to communicate your needs during partnered sex.When sex isn’t feeling good, instead of falling into patterns of self-judgment or self-criticism, it’s vital to stay open, curious, and present with what is. By doing so, you can better understand what Pussy is asking for in that moment. It’s about listening to what she needs and responding with love and care, rather than pushing through discomfort or frustration.

4. Ask for What You Want and Need

Asking for what you want and need during sex can be challenging, especially in the moment. That's why it’s so powerful to have a conversation with your partner outside of the bedroom first. Let them know that you're on a journey to make sex feel good for both of you and that this process might involve saying no to things that don't feel right, and asking for more of what you love. By setting this foundation, you create a space where open communication is welcomed and understood, making it easier to express yourself during these intimate moments. Your partner most likely wants to support you because they want you to have amazing sex.

It is so much better when both people are enjoying and experiencing so much pleasure.

When you're actually in the sexual experience and something doesn’t feel good, it’s important to communicate that. But instead of focusing on what isn’t working, try redirecting towards what you do want. For example, rather than saying, "That doesn’t feel good," you could say, "Could you do this instead? It feels amazing when you touch me here." This not only encourages better communication but also helps to keep the experience connected and pleasurable.

And remember, communication doesn’t always have to be verbal. If you’re like me and sometimes prefer to guide your partner non-verbally, that’s totally valid. Moving their hands or head to where you want it can be just as effective. It does not matter if it is through words or actions, the key is to stay tuned into your own desires and share them with your partner so you can both enjoy the experience.

5. Use a Crystal Egg

An amazing tool to use on your journey to better sex is the jade egg (also known as a yoni egg or crystal egg). This powerful tool is an egg-shaped piece of crystal, typically jade, though you can also use rose quartz or obsidian. While placing the crystal egg inside your Pussy is the first step, it's important to understand that the magic doesn't happen just by wearing it. You need to engage in specific practices to unlock its full benefits. I am a certified crystal egg practitioner and I highly recommend my crystal egg bundle to learn more about how to use it. The crystal egg is an incredible tool that can support us in:

• A healthy and vibrant pelvic floor, which is essential for experiencing pleasure
• Releasing tension
• Healing from sexual trauma, generational trauma, birth trauma
• Increasing natural lubrication (something that's crucial for comfortable and enjoyable sex)

Whether you're dealing with hormonal shifts, post-birth trauma, or chronic conditions like vulvodynia or vaginismus, the crystal egg can be a gentle and compassionate way to heal and open up to more pleasure.

Beyond the physical benefits, the crystal egg also supports emotional and energetic healing, helping you connect more deeply with your body and access higher levels of bliss, joy, and sexual satisfaction. Incorporating the crystal egg into your self-pleasure practice can be transformative, not just for your Pussy, but for your whole being. 

6. Get Support

My final recommendation is all about getting the support you need. While we can do a lot on our own to care for our Pussy’s and heal our sexuality, it's important to recognize that it can be really challenging to do it all alone. Our sexuality is layered and complex, and there are often blocks or issues that we might not even realize are affecting us. That’s where professional guidance becomes invaluable.

When seeking support, it's crucial to work with someone who understands the somatic aspect of healing – meaning they focus on the connection between mind, body, and emotions. This might be a:

• Lelvic floor physical therapist
• A sexological bodyworker
• A trauma-informed somatic coach like myself.

I specifically recommend working with a VITA-certified coach because this ensures a high level of effective + compassionate coaching. Getting the right support isn’t just about overcoming obstacles in your sexuality…it’s about reclaiming your birthright to pleasure and deepening your connection to yourself and your relationships.

Sexual pleasure and satisfaction are fundamental to our well-being, and they play a significant role in the health and thriving of our romantic and intimate relationships. Don’t hesitate to seek out the help you need to fully embrace and enjoy this essential part of your life.

I want you to know that you don’t have to keep living with sex that doesn’t feel good. You have the power to change this, to heal what’s been holding you back, and to step into the fullness of your pleasure. It’s a journey, yes, but it’s one that’s absolutely worth taking. So start with these steps, reach out for support when you need it, and remember – you deserve to feel incredible in your body and in your sex life. This is your birthright, and I’m here cheering you on every step of the way. Please reach out to me on Facebook or Instagram if you have any questions!